did you hear?

burger king brought back ALL-DAY TURKEY HAM & CHEESE CROISSANT.

life’s good again.

growing up

so last night me sister bugged me dad to be at home today coz someone’s sending over her clothes or something. i answered the door just now and two delivery men were standing there with an lcd tv and a random digicam.

see there’s a special tot in my life who keeps me going. every week or so when i see him, it’s like soul recharge. cute as a button. innocent and curious as hell, but he’s growing up and i believe curiosity only augments the learning process. anyway, there’s that downside of growing up i.e. the tendency to break several household items along the way. cutting short: the family believes he broke my parent’s room tv while fiddling with the machine (i dunno why he’s even allowed to do that really), leaving them with a small one since. i dunno if today’s delivery was a replacement or anything, but i’m happy for my parents. and please, i’m not saying this just coz they got a tv. honestly they couldn’t care less.

i’m just cherishing this moment of feeling really. an everlastingness characteristic of again, the mushy: love. the sister’s all grown up now and i’m figuring she’s stable in many ways. this is reflective for me because i know i’m not there yet. like when will i be able to truly give the parents the life they deserve. not a reward, perhaps a symbol of how their love is cherished so dear. to see them happy that their efforts paid off in more ways than one. more so, because i’m still at a point where at times, i don’t feel any form of love (see things can get overwhelming and in effect, blinding).

(mom knows a lot about me, a lot she would rather i not be. and i realized that she doesn’t treat me any different. i’m blessed that way. dad expects better out of me because he knows i can)

the nephew’s coming later. and he’s gonna break a lot of other things – mine inclusive. maybe not today, but i just know that i’m not gonna be a big doodoo about it because i’m biased like that. coz you know what, he’s been my source of comfort in what’s been a tumultuous year. and he’ll always be the first, very special nephew who’s birth and life has been of much significance to this old soul.

perpisahan

it’s times like this. when i want to fly away. into obsoleteness. i’m missing so many people. fuck this shit.

it could hurt less

they’re calling me a psycho.

fluff

oh this struggle to keep my sanity becomes more difficult as time goes by.

dealing with how one turns away after another. it hurts to be alone with wretched feelings. so.. bad.

good God. trying life you’ve made for me. broken even when ready to fight.

i wish i was making this up.

caught up in the rapture

“ Your heart has called me closer to you
I will be all that you need
Just trust in what we’re feeling
Never leave ’cause baby, I believe

Don’t you ever go away, it’ll always be this way

We stand side by side
Till the storms of life pass us by
Light my life, warm my heart
Say tonight will be just the start ”

rats

to shield your ears
from silence right before death

to disregard how unneeded you feel
and stick through the thick till the very end

as the captain who went down with his vessel
an integrity even logic cannot explain

pwned

too many psycho moments today. always worse when they happen with you.

i learn each time that they all fade away. it’s the aftermath that bites. seemingly there’s none with you. and that’s what makes me stronger.

i heard exasperation in your voice and i wanted to cut the line so quick.

but when i also hear endearment in a stern tone i become even more enthralled. with that loving melody you play.

breaking dishes

i had a sudden surge of possessive prowess. it’s a byproduct of my love. you watch out you.

does it help – or is it the cause – that i’m having my male period. yes i’m that much in touch with my feminine side. i’m awesome like that. go die.

could it be the bump on the prozac trip. or an epilim deficiency destabilizing my moods. either way i’m angry when i’m calm, i’ll blow in your face with mutual unexpectedness.

i’ve had sufficient signs of a manifesting manic fit today alone. there’s probably no depth into this testy, impossible surface, but it’s of incredible precedence.

i’m gon’ make some noise yo.

what my eyes saw, i didn’t say

i’m yawning out of bed. couldn’t sleep while on it. some messed up shit huh. it’s the damned valproate. the lack of it really. look at me talking like those mind candies have so much effect. it could just be that i caught stardust again and my eyes were glued to that world till the very end. why am i psychoanalysing another insomniac night. coz it’s always interesting. the dreams could be another reason. they’re too much for just one sleep.

well i haven’t had someone off my mind. i guess it’s what you get when you trade this kind of strong emotional energy with another person. it’s incredible. to belong to someone in that special way. to love. wanting to be near all the time. the raw emotions you feel that strip you down to your core. being emotionally naked to that one person.

god the things i wanna do together. yet fully aware of tiny obstacles that do a lot to prevent those very things from happening. i’d even take like a silkair holiday or something. a short one. just us. because the word us makes me close my eyes and imagine and smile. discovering together. either ways i take comfort in having faith and endearment to defeat cruel time.

i need this constant devotion from you. patience as how i would give my utmost. we share the bad times and only we know those horrid feelings. the good ones clear my vision and i see moments to savour together. i’m hopeful in hopelessness. it’s a miracle by itself. right now. at this very moment. i’m happy. thank you love. for the greatest month in a long time.