sodium valproate didn’t ring any bells until i see its trade name epilim. i remember that depressing depressive book elizabeth wurtzel a.k.a. lizzie wrote and it’s probably one of the drugs she took. yes this is what i’m on now on top of the prozac and atarax. today i consciously differentiated between what cigarettes destroy – which are your the lungs – and what alcohol destroys, and that’s the liver. so sadly epilim needs the use of your liver so my dear shrink told me to avoid alcohol – insert laughter here. well she said avoid. some things can’t be avoided now can they and i learn this the hard way everyday now don’t i. then i was told to turn to something else like cigarettes. it wasn’t a joke really. and i totally understand where she’s coming from – like since it’s so desperate then let’s sacrifice your lungs for your sanity. and this is precisely my point. that i don’t know for sure. that i can’t tell. because it’s invisible. this disease is invisible. for god’s sake you can’t even see the brain let alone your thoughts. so it’ll remain invisible until the moment i crack so hard that i become beyond help and this is what i’m trying to prevent. but it doesn’t end there because ultimately the inexistence of an obvious flaw will make me ponder again on whether there is actually something wrong. and there is. and it revolves round and round and round and it makes my head spin in the non-literal sense. everything is like that. it’s not as clear-cut. well it’s been lurking there and now that it’s out it seems like it’s too late. you can’t cage a monster that’s escape so far away. it’s a twilight and you just won’t get it okay.
