a morsel of thought

i see the face of the one i loved so madly not 10 months back. now, that face i found so pure back then is just another trigger for more gloomy recollections, and i can’t let go of those memories for reasons even i find inexplicable. the feeling’s gone but there’s this sense of unfulfillment, like the very reason i can’t forget lies in the fact that it never lasted beyond what it did. and that was what i truly wanted. that person destroyed a lot of me. made me somber everytime i’m reminded of how i was affected. apology was given not long ago, but too long after it all ended. i see no need to forgive. formalities are terribly unfitting here. it won’t make my thoughts better. now i just wonder what i want, is it merely payback or to have those triggers neutralized. i’ve always thought falling in love with another would be the key. like anythings else that hope backfired. it betrayed me, rather. there’s just no rest.

where do i turn but in

this was the first time the problems affected me to tears in a blatantly direct way. i am helpless in the situations brought upon us. unnecessary baggage carried from a place he calls home. i ventured between being angry at the source of the problems who are consequently the source of my suffering, and being sad at my fate itself. but anger can bring me nowhere and the latter is a lot of what i am. extremely foul luck,  or some sick fate of having nothing to hold on to, but just surrendering to the utter gloom of everything.

in the sheets i hide. in a room i wish was darker.

and the hopelessness i feel will bind me to these four walls indefinitely.