goodbye lover, friend, foe

we both sacrificed, yet time and again i had to make clear that i did my fair share. mostly, emotionally. strict curfew, no cash, no phone, no dates, no interesting conversations, no more trips. yet time and again i heard your stories of great people you know, your car, and the perks you had before. i hear it and i kept quiet knowing there’s a set limit to what i could enjoy with you.

it was too hard to even make you realise how your problems and the things you do affected me. they’ve stayed the same, changed a bit, or got worse. still i negotiated, coaxed, advised, argued, gave bad remarks. all i could do to make things more bearable, but i was crushed when i’m told that’s the way it’s gonna be for some time.

as if karma had a say in everything, my turn came with a problem that’s gonna be for some time. i asked only for understanding and tolerance. to you i explained to save my life, almost literally.

everyday i get shouted back at, feeling the need to explain some more. and i feel betrayed, with the harshness to greet my own, you said you cared and i felt that it was overstated.

you think you should leave for my better
you tried, so now i should go help myself
the love is gone so what’s the point
the love went away weeks ago

i told you what i needed and instead, those are but some of the things you tell me. you hurt me even more when such blows are the last thing i need. you said you should leave despite my dependence i made so clear.

to think that i wasn’t the least bit into you in the first place. but i stayed through your thick, and when mine came you opt to leave instead of tolerating, compromise, and try accepting as i did with yours. let alone help. i was closed off from love and you came asking me to accept yours, now i’m in loneliness but i still see your face and i bleed, but in return you are harsh towards me and left me. figures who those words truly relate to. it bites.

that you were no different than the many people past and present that just listen and maybe offer a half-hearted advice – and ends the conversation with no more than another weak ok, belittling the harshness of what i go through – and that’s even worse.

that at this time of the year when my days of freedom are numbered – i’m still wondering who would bring me out of the hole, not just drop a ladder in, but come down and carry me up till we’re hand in hand on the land where the rest of the world walk on.

but i was your dream guy who turned into a nightmare, so now you’re waking up.

i surrender

holding on to a knife reminds me how scared i am of them. perhaps that’s what made me cry. perhaps it’s the fact that it came to this point.

déjà vu. in a different pair of pants

it happened again. some kind of that old familiar breakdown. i know people still thought the cause, the cause is my unreasonableness. that old familiar place. where everybody’s understanding is capped by their fortunately uncomplex psychological state. all i could think of at the point was to pack my stuff and fly off somewhere. to think that i’m supposed to start work tomorrow.

a quick chat with someone opened up one particularly inviting option for me, i’d have company if i go next week. 6 days in india. although what happened last night urges me to make that hasty decision to catch that flight to cairo 2.20am wednesday, that’s tomorrow night. i’ve always wanted to see the pyramids. so fuck the money, fuck the job, fuck the plane choices, fuck the winter in australia and new zealand. all i wanna do is leave.

my life’s been about hasty, uncontrollable, emotional-charged decisions thus far so i learned. so as far as i’m concerned, tomorrow’s just as unpredictable as any other day in my god-forsaken life.

mind tainted love

did i disappoint you or let you down?
should i be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
cause i saw the end before we’d begun
yes i saw you were blinded and i knew i had won

so i took what’s mine by eternal right
took your soul out into the night
it may be over but it won’t stop there
i am here for you if you’d only care

you touched my heart, you touched my soul
you changed my life and all my goals
and love is blind and that i knew when
my heart was blinded by you

i’ve kissed your lips and held your hand
shared your dreams and shared your bed
i know you well, i know your smell
i’ve been addicted to you

i am a dreamer and when i wake
you can’t break my spirit – it’s my dreams you take
and as you move on, remember me
remember us and all we used to be

goodbye my lover
goodbye my friend
you have been the one
you have been the one for me

i’m so hollow, baby

~james blunt

believe me i’m more sorry then you can ever be. worse than being hurt, is hurting in return. i can’t stab your heart anymore. how could i have not cared for so long. you still mean much to me, though now i’m just a harm. i am right only in the wrong. how sick it is. that at the end of the day, it’s just in my mind.

longing for the dreaded

when anything goes. please carry on. it’s meant to be. conflicting thoughts crossing my mind. the way to stop it has been long overdue. you came to stay, i come to go. one is bound to malfunction. long pauses of dread. tomorrow is a new cycle. the good times had, were moments restricted. though they shall stay in memory for eternity. as the words in this melody speaks what i couldn’t.

hospital bed

seems so inviting. too inviting.

if one thing i long for. to lie down till it all goes away.

no visitors required.

a morsel of thought

i see the face of the one i loved so madly not 10 months back. now, that face i found so pure back then is just another trigger for more gloomy recollections, and i can’t let go of those memories for reasons even i find inexplicable. the feeling’s gone but there’s this sense of unfulfillment, like the very reason i can’t forget lies in the fact that it never lasted beyond what it did. and that was what i truly wanted. that person destroyed a lot of me. made me somber everytime i’m reminded of how i was affected. apology was given not long ago, but too long after it all ended. i see no need to forgive. formalities are terribly unfitting here. it won’t make my thoughts better. now i just wonder what i want, is it merely payback or to have those triggers neutralized. i’ve always thought falling in love with another would be the key. like anythings else that hope backfired. it betrayed me, rather. there’s just no rest.

where do i turn but in

this was the first time the problems affected me to tears in a blatantly direct way. i am helpless in the situations brought upon us. unnecessary baggage carried from a place he calls home. i ventured between being angry at the source of the problems who are consequently the source of my suffering, and being sad at my fate itself. but anger can bring me nowhere and the latter is a lot of what i am. extremely foul luck,  or some sick fate of having nothing to hold on to, but just surrendering to the utter gloom of everything.

in the sheets i hide. in a room i wish was darker.

and the hopelessness i feel will bind me to these four walls indefinitely.