tired

tired of A LOT of things. essentially tired of the same old things amplified. i’m haunted.

sorry baby.

but i need someone.

that’s just how pain is.

you can laugh for a while
feel at ease a moment
then everything crashes downhill
a feeling felt a thousand times

yet each occurrence seems foreign and new
but old and jaded at the same time

the tears don’t solve the things
but they put me to sleep
lethargy haunts my day
the nights are bluer than the sky

now that there’s one by my side
it’s like i’m bringing down thee
the same effect of a sinking ship
makes me writhe in even more pain

don’t know what to put the blame on
talking to you now i’m still not sure
except that my heart breaks with every word you say
that i end up doing to you what you do to me

still no contentment whatsoever.

it’s been some time since i said anything here. composing the same words i did so many months before, only proves that i’ve in fact sunk deeper into the mental black whole.

one from 4 years ago

you were wondering how i am and of course i’m doing okay. but did you know that i’m dying. i wanna yell so loud, loud enough for you and all to hear that nothing is okay. i hate to say, but you may have well been part of what worsened that spiral downwards. yet i remember the sweet tingles i had back then, one-sided fantasies as it may be. but a feeling no less, for all i have now is a used up imagination and jaded memories. i long for those fantasies dearly at this very moment, and before, and for the coming days i have till i’m either saved or excused from life.

a small thought crosses the mind in the middle of the street

i get hit by a car and lay in the hospital bed for weeks to rest. and rest. and rest. and rest. rest till it all goes away. or at the very least, till i go away.

destitution calls for images of retreat like thee.