imagine

so mom just rubbed me off when i asked for instant noodles. i just wanted her to cook it.

i miss the days when we went out on late nights to have supper. i miss getting comfortable in transit, and eating, and talking and playing games. i miss the easy breezy trips across the causeway.

the understated conveniences of a family car.

i want dad to fetch me from time to time when i’m tired. i want for us to be able to head out to seemingly inaccessible corners and simpangs. i want what i lost and what i never had.

my needs are as simple as they get yet they can’t be fulfilled.

too long since i’ve truly felt something, the humble pleasures of life. too many times i’ve glared with envious eyes at those who experience it. too many complications cloud the very source of that form of contentment.

so i just close my eyes and imagine.

where’s the restart button

my life’s in shambles coz my mind’s in shambles. can’t hide it no more.

where do i start again.
or how should i shut down.

why are you at my side

complications that revolve around a ruined mind
really are more cheap than profound

only an impossible mess
spreads his pain on to others like i did
i couldn’t look at you let alone lay my hands on you
because i’m ashamed of what i’ve done

i expect bottled up desires i’ve always craved for
only to be led on to disappointment time and time again
there’s nobody to blame
not you, not even me

i know that much

i demand more than i deserve
the little things to you really set me off
but there are many things i can live without
as with this disease of a life

one thing’s for sure
don’t ever cry for me again
even when i die
something that’s never there isn’t anything wasted

i’ll pull through
i’m angry, sad, longing, frozen in time
and definitely losing hope by the day
i just wish you are well

you mean that much to me

still sourcing for the cure and it’s not looking good

I’m a train wreck in the morning
I’m a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I’m a puzzle yes indeed
Ever-complex in every way
And all the pieces aren’t even in the box

I don’t know why you love me

I neglect you when I’m working
When I need attention
I tend to nag
I’m a host of imperfection
And you see past all that
I’m a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I’m a queen

I don’t know why you love me
I don’t know why you love me
I don’t know why you love me

~flaws & all

it’s fascinatingly boring

feel the distance between mind and body getting bigger each time you stop to think. there’s nothing much to do about it, just wait and see. or just go on and follow where it brings you to next. it’s the latter, really. there’s no speak anymore of the control you’ve long lost. meanwhile you go with the natural flow of things, or unnatural rather. nothing really amuses, or even do so little as to surprise you. then there’s gonna be the face-slapping moments when you discover the stupidity of the meaningless thing you just did. then you crave for some emotions, or just one emotion. and when you don’t feel anything but weariness, you succumb to the passionate belief that that’s where you always, truly, end up.

what else can you say, but I’m just bored… and i crave to live life, not to just go by it.

flaws and all

my real fear of your love and their’s, is that they do not extend to anything beyond my obvious flaws. that you’ll soon realize the crazy that’s inside me, and you’ll find yourself better off without me on the whole.