affairs of the current inspired with colours

What is up with Friendster? Did you know that we can upload 1000 photos there? I remember the days when pictures had to be less than 1 megabyte – so you either resize, or just don’t upload yet another picture of another angle of the gang in the back alley at Arab Street.

Fast track to now – Who the hell would have ONE THOUSAND pictures on their profile anyway. I tell you those who are only too lazy to delete the old ones and just keep on adding new photos. I swear if one of my Friendster friends (that’s what they really are – who are actually friends with all the people in their list?) has a ridiculously high number of photos – self shots and group pictures included – I’m gonna delete them. No, I’m gonna send a hate message, ‘brighten their day with a smile‘, and then delete them.

Well a daily dosage of online news (it evolved from a mere activity to pass time to becoming a necessity) made me automatically deem the above as yet another rescue attempt for a has been social-networking giant, now dwindling into the archives of things we used to do online.

Presently, I call the two big guys Fucking Facebook and Still, Myspace. The former is an amazing development no doubt. But common sense will tell you that a lot of the greatness of Facebook has got to do with the number of people who flock there. Many applications, to me are rubbish and pleasant-for-the-moment. Really, how does anyone get their thang going by metaphorically having sex with someone? I have the Have Sex! application on my Facebook page, and I’m still a virgin. Even if someone hits the big red ‘Have Sex with Farid’ button, the only stiff I will get is out of boredom.

To be fair, I admit that it’s a very sterile (pun oh-so intended) perspective of the light-hearted applications. For now, Fucking Facebook will be in our bookmarks until another Zuckerberg comes along with something better. We may also forget about blogging altogether.

The Friendster situation is sad really. I still sorta like it, and was just in the midst of enjoying the simplicity of it. But I am a calf (not cow) who follows the herd – or whatever. I still log in when I’m online though. In fact I just uploaded 3 more pictures on my profile. No, not a thousand.

Postscript

• I’ve also demonstrated a simple, toned down version of what I define as interactive marketing, by way of citizen journalism.
• Added a new tag, ‘sashual‘. It’s essentially ’sexual’ pronounced with ‘s‘ emphasis as opposed to ‘x‘, and this post practically screams for that new category anyway.

perhaps ignis fatuus, perhaps not

Enchanted is not a parody or one of those tired remakes of yet another classic childhood flick. It’s an homage, not to Disney movies per se, but to the essential theme that fairy-tales revolve around – about the possibility of being happy forever, well at least longer periods than we’re used to. Perhaps it’s an irony as with the character Giselle is so full of, and yet you can’t get enough of her optimism, that there’s something about believing that keeps you going. It’s full of ditsy behaviours and wonderful cliche.

It’s the feel-good love movie of the year, of my year at least. I’m into romantic films and kid shows now. So there was no reason not to watch it – a Disney tale (reason enough) taken out of its comfort zone and placed into the modern world, and an optimistic love fool versus a jaded soul trapped in some kind of weird world. Believe me, our world is the weird one here. Enchanted’s like a scaled-down version of Hallmark’s The 10th Kingdom, another one of my favorites. It’s all about putting all of harsh reality behind and just believe in the beauty of all things akin to happily ever after.

Postscript: Weird though that I’m upholding everything she believes in, but also torn between that and a darker belief. That’s when being bad is not a never anymore.

You’re crazy.

Spiteful… vindictive… very large, but never crazy.

with one hand i can count

Don’t you begin to think that I want to do this. It’s painful to read these things over. I’ve had words like you’re sad and selfishness has its limits hurled towards me. But as all my pains, this is its channel to grieve.

I’m sorry, people tried.
Apparently you never failed to tick anyone off no matter how hard they
tried.

And here I’m not only speaking for myself.
Maybe next time, think about those times that people once cared, and
then try to remember what YOU did in response to that.

I know this is gonna push some button which will cause you to overreact,
so I’m not gonna bother after this one.

Who tried?

If you think you did or know anyone who did, please come forward. I want to personally thank you, and also learn what your attempts were.

I cite my sorrows, but I never did really ask for help. Sadly, neither did it come. So for one to say people tried helping is I think presumptuous and utterly dishonest. I talked about it and some listened, this was not help. I heal with time, but now I feel an obligated guilt. So I plead with people who actually tried, but whose kindness I have not realized, come and talk to me – tell me of your great efforts.

See sometimes people say things like I don’t speak for myself because a lot of other people feel the same way as they do – most of the times it is to dramatize things, add an effect, maybe to make it sound real without any logical facts behind. I for one am guilty of this sometimes, and I’m willing to forgive people who make the same mistake.

I’m certainly beyond overreacting – you do it a few times before and when you change, people don’t realize… I try to accept this. But knowing that people once cared hurts a lot because I didn’t even see it when they did, and apparently it’s gone now. But I know for fact that I wasn’t nasty last time – I had no energy to be that way – so what exactly did I do to them?

Maybe that part of the speech was subconsciously adapted from a movie. But my life is more than a movie. I’m telling you now that I didn’t pull an Effie White (read: Dreamgirls) before. I did not yell, scream or shout before, but I tried to be normal and tried hard to gather some familiar company from here and there. Whether this was successful or not, I’ll leave it to your good judgment.

Angry, but I’m hurt. I was hurt too much and now I’m hurt even more. Don’t you realize that that’s the last thing I need, do you even care one bit to think of that? There’s just no ending to this is there.

Trust me I always hate making references to self-related events like birthdays unlike people who count down on their nicknames and everywhere else. I was at the station on the way home and I realized, this would actually be a lousy birthday – that it shouldn’t have happened because I choreographed everything to make it not happen – but is to be. I’ve said thanks to people who’ve tried, I’ve felt that the attempts were lousy sometimes, but I’ve also been grateful and felt for a second that it won’t be that bad after all. But now everything’s ruined, more than it already was before they tried.

And no, don’t send half-assed attempts at a birthday wish cum apology and/or well wishes over sms. It insults me if it makes me feel the slightest of guilt, this method is cheap.

Do, however, try to understand more than you think you already do – and don’t be contented after one or two tries this time. Certainly don’t snap only because you think you’ve got me more or less figured out, and that it’s all just too old and lame already. It is very difficult to be in someone else’s shoes. I know that. So, at least do not pass off everything I do and feel as mere selfishness and of spite. I’m not like that, I thought my friends knew better.

disenchantment

i saw you just now. it wasn’t clear what i wanted. i couldn’t have just chanced upon you like that, after all of today – what i heard – and before. it made you real. it makes the helplessness real as well. then again, you’ve become semi-obsolete. yet i’m not alright. i want my mind back. and even you can’t provide that kind of solace anymore.

“i don’t believe in anything anymore. i don’t believe in the moon or the stars or the sun or destiny… or magic or love.”

close

it’s a big day tomorrow at my place. to make it simple, i’ll call it a baby shower for my nephew. babies are too significant to me. i look in his eyes of all the curious innocence anyone could ever have, because he can’t see the world around him all that clearly yet. each time i’d lie down beside him i silently ask what life is all about, what my life has truly been – hoping for a true answer and sometimes for a chance to trade places with him – just to start afresh. but, no.

had another dream last night. this time we were closer. actually next to each other after so long. i couldn’t stop gazing. the feeling i felt was either love or distance. definitely distance. it was so overwhelming. there was almost an explanation for everything, but it ended before anything could make sense. the dream defined the meaning of that song below. perhaps i was desperate to get back to sleep to find out, but i couldn’t. maybe i didn’t want to. coz it’s tiring. but being awake is tiring too. what else then? it’s all too obsessive; these dreams and reflections i have, but it’s the truth and nothing fucks everyone more than truth itself. what’s painfully penetrating into me this time is the risk of going mental. i’d rather die.

the door gifts are ready. food for 150 people will come in the morning. people will be everywhere. i love this. but i can’t shake this all-too sensational hearthache that won’t fucking go away. it’s my kind of mania. angry but i’m calm. i know i’ll be alone even with that many people in my house. i know i’ll wallow in all the moments of the past that i’ll have glimpses of throughout the day. i know i’ll stare into space and people will see and i wouldn’t like that coz i want to smile at everyone and make them feel welcome, because they are – very much, just that i may seem to be upset with their presence. trust me it’s not a choice. and it’s not fair.

maybe a day in isolation would be fitting to mark the anniversary of my birth, just to resound the solemn hymn of my 2007 – to set a zero-point for a vow to make my subsequent living years worthwhile – a resolution of sorts. and two days after i may die. the inside’s dead anyway, what’s to be lost? all i need to say is goodbye.

as if that’s anything new.

our ill-fated encounter, your reckless abandonment, my distorted future

i still dream of you. why? it’s been a perceivably long time

a birthday i foresee to be all about controlling uncontrollable emotions. it could have been two months together, just two days after i’m ushered into 19 years of life – a life that seemed to be impetuously led this time, so instead i’ll be forced into another year that starts with utter numbness.

i ask for strength to compose myself each night and morning. i end up with an aching heart before i even enter the workplace. then it’s all about drifting in and out of thoughts.

i’ve learned that many people are too simple. because you have simple problems. because i know for sure that you don’t have a world of things darkening every trace of light within you. it’s dark and it’s painful. because you will never ever fully grasp what i speak of in this blog. because you have never been teased with happiness, only to hit rock bottom, again, after you actually believed that you could be happy after all. because you’ve not been betrayed by life. because people you love don’t just disappear suddenly and that’s the hardest part.

this isn’t a drama. it’s my life god damn it.

no matter how far the mind could ever move on, the heart will always linger in the place it still feels it belongs to.

that world of me and you

one mismatch after another
people wanting different things
people who only want one night
and one who wanted other things

then you came
and i as indifferent as i would be
cautious, they might say
until it grew on me. the walks, the talks and the company
until you grew on me. the you that became the best one yet
what else was i to do, but open up all that i am to you

herein all the bright moments end. and therefore shall all things end.
i’ll only divulge just the good things, for the cold ones are too wrenching
even i can’t fathom
what has become of me
motionless inside. hiding. despairing. dying.

is it because i was a bad child

It vexes me how there always seem to be something else, that one thing more than others, to be sad about. I loathe myself for going through this and having taken the blatantly wrong steps that led me to what I’m feeling now. Face embellished; tears that I wish were the weight of life flowing out, but they’re not. And they’ll come back again. Crying is for nothing and is just a form of realization of what you’ve been denying has happened and you’re alone as you’ll ever be.

I’m sad that school ended. In fact I was scared as hell. Someone left me out cold even before that and there were a lot of pain I had to go through alone. Six whole weeks I fear whether I’ll be mentally capable of handling another separation and enter a whole new environment. I thought I’ve already grieved all that I could afford to grief. Turns out I’ve denied what were facts and they’re terribly harsh. There was no good that came out of it, except for the fact that I was happy for a while. I was happy. Just get that. I was lifted, finally contented and ready to face the world because there was a kind of pillar at the end of each day. Point is there was someone. But that support disappeared just when I was giving it my all. It didn’t collapse, just vanished. I couldn’t just stop. I did for a while to observe what was left of three years of kinship with the loveliest people I’ve ever met. But I cry tonight. Because the only direction we all have is away from each other, just like every other damn thing around me. It’s inevitable and I know it so well. Two massive losses are utterly troubling, especially when a lot of it is in the mind. You cannot go on as normal, or as a normal person would. It takes you down even lower than you were before.

The end of my deliberate ignorance, as marked by memories that simply won’t go away – I didn’t think I’d still be so affected, not till now. But fact is I am. When you love someone you don’t just fall out of it. How could anyone? Naïve as it may be. There’s no choice for me, I have to suffer more. Because even the dreams didn’t stop. You try to hate and you try to not think of things, but… how could I ever explain something so immense when it can only be confirmed by what I feel? You have this whole series of devotion and expectations on hand, but absolutely no place to send it to. So many things to buy for, and i end up buying things for myself, being selfish, trying to make it all better i guess. Hurt and fear come in pairs. I’m hurt that one person can just leave me so easily. I’m scared that more would. I’m scared that I’d feel like this all the time. Snapping out of things is just not possible. Believe me there are so many other emotions I’d rather feel then lost and reminiscence.

There are little things worse then having to start something afresh with a heart that still lingers in something old. Imagine being stuck to care for a child that never wants to get out of the toy store, but everyone else is moving on to somewhere else and even you have to go. But you’ve got no choice but to attend to that child, as you have to with the heart.

When situations get so desperate, I numb myself. It’s a method I learned after many years of not knowing what to do – ignoring all till that moment when it catches up and clenches you so tight you cannot deny that it’s real. As screwed up as my mind is, I am sane enough to know that yet again I’m left alone. To fend for myself even before I’m ready, in fact when I’m least able to.

Post-script
I haven’t always been this dependent. But I’ve had the opportunity to be with so many kinds of people and I know who are those that I want to stay on in my life. This moment, these people are the ones I’ve got to know in school, and someone else i met on the most unlikely of chances. My course mates are the first group of people I ever felt belonged to and truly comfortable with in my life. I love you guys no doubt, and I wished I loved you sooner. The other person, one whom I thought was the one, who finally came into my life. But circumstances got the better of that thing we had. I’ve never felt so much real affection with anyone else before, and the same sentiments remain each time I think about those times. A love that left too soon is a love that’s just too bad.