i suck

=DISTRUST*LONER*TALKING*HERE= says:
yala….
=DISTRUST*LONER*TALKING*HERE= says:
i always the talketive 1 u just listen…
=DISTRUST*LONER*TALKING*HERE= says:
huh…
hey life says:
sorry ah i thought you like talking
=DISTRUST*LONER*TALKING*HERE= says:
WAT!!!…
=DISTRUST*LONER*TALKING*HERE= says:
tanks ahhh…
hey life says:
it’s at orchard and vivo
=DISTRUST*LONER*TALKING*HERE= says:
u suck….

all the doors are closed with one left ajar

Sorry Farid. I can’t be with you. I decided to sms you in the end cos i thought that everyone needs closure… I’m so sorry for everything that I’ve done wrong. Sorry. Really really sorry.

and so with every word i typed of that message, i was running further. body heat rose so quickly, wallowing between anger and misery. the heart blisters this time. i remember once we were meeting somewhere but couldn’t find each other for some time. it seems now like i’m stuck in that exact space and time, still unable to find. i don’t think i search anymore. just waiting. for a return. or at least to get out of this phase quietly.

how does one even react to that. how does a human being, not the devil, seem so evil. how do you make sense of an end that doesn’t satisfy. what does emotional dissatisfaction really lead to. and so what was that, a fling?

the limit

downing medication syrup and pills like a desolate junkie isn’t very wise.

supposed to try at 10pm. i waited. but i was already tripping by then and at 11. woke up at 4am after a terrible dream. one about the only thing i think about these days. sleep didn’t return. no replies still. started writhing in the most blatant of agonies. whimpering sounds of a newborn. hysterical about not staying awake to call. about so many things. things i can and cannot control but happened anyway. this madness consumes me.

it’s an outright battle each night. at the poignant times and even off. there’s no use hiding. the ghost follows you under the sheets. even in your dreams now. it’s supposed to get better, but it’s about to get worse. it’s exactly the black wave lizzie talked about.

she also said something about always wanting to be in the company of people, but longing to be alone when there’s a crowd to suffer in comforts of seclusion, but then there’s the fear of not having friends and being alone in the world to compete with the demons that thrive in the mind.

one might as well die.

1610 1221

it’s raining outside. i didn’t know. all i feel is heat. not warmth but more like mild burns. the raindrops are there still. perhaps i’m falling ill. bad time. bad timing for everything. i’m calm this night. tired perhaps.

uncomfortably numb

i’m not presenting an antithesis to pink floyd. but everything is un-comfortably numb.

1. i’ve just tried utilising facebook and it scares me
2. i’ve taken a strong interest in flat-screen televisions. it would fit nicely into my room
3. i didn’t open the door to my cousins at the aunt’s place just now coz they looked like strangers i’ve never met
4. i’ve not gotten a single reply yet. coz it takes longer for some people
5. i will take a small break and pop a movie while eating pizza to replace the ones i’ve managed to emily-rose outta me

i like snapple apple

people came to my house today. in fragments. there was only one moment where everyone was together. not all the kids came but the ones who were here didn’t feel so fun to be with anymore. my sister couldn’t come back. some relatives came to town to visit.

we’re still together. people just need time. okay?

i love Hari Raya, don’t you?

with every tick. too tired to pretend.

a lot of people coming over to visit today. my sister’s coming back. there’s food and there’s family. i love the kids. it’s one of those happy life moments.

3am. this very moment, i’m unnecessarily (for a normal person) thinking of how to conduct myself later. do i put on a smile or do i hide in my room. i usually play with the kids but i’m scared this thing will infect them. i can talk to the cousins but they may know that i’m not right.

you know when cursed souls get so terrified of the night because they’ll turn into something horrible and eat someone. well for some people it’s getting pangs of heartache that eat them on the inside. then in the morning instead of being refreshed, they are confusingly worn.

the wonderment of what life with such curse is all about all leads to eliminating the very root of it all and that’s life itself.

i try to make this just about that one person. or i try to make this about my whole life. well the non existence of the former resurfaces the whole mess of the latter which has been submerged for about a week.

if we are in fact together, i’ve been unfaithful. but never did i not imagine that whoever i was with was the one i rightfully belong to. this situation by itself, makes a lot of things seem excruciatingly pointless to do.

maybe what hurts the most is that it seemed like that week never happened. it could’ve well been my lonesome imagination telling false tales of a few romance rendezvous to provide my head with some temporary relief. but i know for fact that whatever it was, it came wonderfully sudden and left like it bombed. with that same cataclysmic result caused to the inside of me.

everyone felt like hiding under the sheets for a night before. i wanna do it forever.

and so it is

i tried to buy happy today after school. drifting into raw thoughts at many points as i tried making sense of the last few weeks. all was an attempt no less.

drugs not hugs

cheebye arh i dun wanna feel like this

 i have projects and stuff to do dammit. it’s supposed to have been easier. just a stroll from time to time.

things get smoother. they’re just supposed to ok. it’s just what should’ve happened.

now death has become of it. all i can do is look. happy. never to be had.

and no one can help. not the most expensive shrink in the world. not he and not she. not one soul. i’m alone in all ways there are to be alone. and it’s in the mind. to feel trapped like a caged pet.

human touch shmuck. i’d take the pill blue white yellow. fuck it could be sugar for all i care.

fucking hell the only thing that stays is this. hyperventilating madness.

what the fuck did i do.

black. it’s all black dammit.

heart transplant

i cannot compose the words but there’s an aching need to let it out.

saying it’s over is easy but those two words are always preceded by i think.

how could. why did. always asked but answers barely answer

don’t bother looking back coz it’s all dark.

sometimes you get angry at god for bringing you to it but never through it.
and then think that you’ll go to hell but realise you’re already condemned to a hell on earth. so really, what is the point of every thing that we do?

which eighteen year old on earth writes this kind of shit. one who goes around shooting people and then himself. but what do you do when there’s no gun.

the scars may one day surface on my skin. that’s a sign of a lower low.
because falling to the floor just doesn’t cut it anymore.

and you think, all this because of one person?
yes. and that person is me.

the one thing you crave for you will never get. life is a tease and you deserve it for what you’ve done, intentional or not.
                                             
                        
                                  
i just wanna scream my lungs out.