undiagnosed but prevailing

one of the things all of us find unbearable is to listen to people complaining about what really are the slightest things. and nowadays one of the complaints going round is about people being simply so tired. honestly all i hear is nyeah nyeah nyeah, blah blah blah… a thousand times over. don’t mean to be a bitch but that’s just how i feel. if that means i’m selfish and obnoxious, well i’m selfish and obnoxious. and you can go die. but even more callous are the plentiful messages of unguarded undertones i receive often so untimely, that they’ve managed to make things even more dreary for me - as if i didn’t have enough grim to begin with.

it’s a condition

i wonder to what extent can a person be angry. what is the maximum rage someone can feel before it becomes something else. the next step, so to speak. collapse, go mental or develop a slowly evolving condition that will bite you later on in life.

i’ve been pissed a lot these days. so much so that each time i log on to the computer i subsconsciously brace myself. yes, turning on the computer has become a chore. for pc means work means people relation means compromising means drama. i don’t youtube as much anymore. i can’t watch my shows in peace. dare you ask me why? well how to when messages and emails and whatever else comes in ironic pulses, like when i’m trying to relax for a while. after you’re done with the night time people, those nocturnal sorts that dwell in the early mornings come on. it’s starting to get old.

ok point is, i used to not mind. but precisely coz of the convoluted amalgamation of a lot of things, i’ve become weary. what they are, i don’t even know half of them sometimes. but it’s building up. and i get pissed a lot. a lot of things i do now involve being online, personal life included, and the salt in the salt-wound relationship in this case means a laggy computer. i seriously don’t know what screwed up the system and i’d rather not speculate and burn more innocent people. well people aren’t all that innocent when you look at it. i’m so angry and i don’t even know what’s causing this… you know how fucking aggravating that is? sometimes i just sit here wishing everything will go away, right smack in front of the screen. it’s weird that feeling, the mind zones out but not totally. there’s still that part which keeps all the information about what’s going on as the eyes wander aroung within the computer screen. zone-out time is less relaxing that way. it’s like you’re there and wants to shut down but can’t. or won’t.

there is a point where i may resort to not caring anymore, don’t let that happen.

up down center stage

when you’re practically hyperventilating and can’t do the most obvious things.

the night i ended, progressed, stagnated, and hopefully started.

that’s all i remember of yesterday.

the swamped thing

1) models. contact, collect, confirm. tomorrow. print photos monday

2) re-do part of the hotbabes article that i have no knowledge about. tomorrow.

3) make-up sponsor. monday.

4) basic theory. pronto. by tuesday.

5) icmt evaluation. tomorrow.

6) launch agenda. ongoing.

7) fashion show. future. very. near. future.

notice none of the above is gonna be done tonight. coz i just got off phone discussions regarding the content of our ZoCards, and now we’re still sorting it out on msn. i’m blogging while waiting. and i bet if i looked down at the notes, there’ll be more than 7 things on that list.

papa can you hear me

i’s gonna blog a whole drama for my own reference. i guess i’m not gonna. been busy? still busy… but i don’t like the word.. like saying, “i’m busy” sounds sooo condescending or pretentious? rude? i dunno. but i’d say i have less time for blogging. funny coz there’s a lot to blog about. hello ironic, it’s you again.

oh for those not in the know, my mom’s away in saudi arabia. lil’ sis is staying at our cousins’. and tmr dad’s going off to malaysia. right. i guess a house is really not a home when there’s no one there. well the most significant thing is really mom being away. the house’s still in ‘working condition’ fortunately. two days ago i wouldn’t even stop to think about these things. now i realise my mom practically runs the house and makes sure it’s all good and normal. it’s also like the first time in maybe ever that she’s away for so long. still gettin used to it i guess.

there’ll be some blogging, i think. as a way to talk to someonething at home. but how to when there’s so many things to do. i was gonna put my thoughts into words just now, but now it’s all gone. ok i mentioned this. fine i’m zonked.

some other time.

coz i gave a thought

One with an ugly personality to begin with, shouldn’t get drunk.

sentimental valiums

 

Cigarettes and chocolate milk
These are just a couple of my cravings
Everything it seems I likes a little bit stronger
A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me

If I should buy jellybeans
Have to eat them all in just one sitting
Everything it seems I likes a little bit sweeter
A little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

And then theres those other things
Which for several reasons we wont mention
Everything about ‘em is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder
A little bit deadly

Its not very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted

Sitting here remembering me
Always been a shoe made for the city
Go ahead accuse me of just singing about places
With scrappy boys faces have general run of the town

Playing with prodigal sons
Take a lot of sentimental valiums
Cant expect the world to be your raggedy andy
While running on empty you little old doll with a frown

You got to keep in the game
Retaining mystique while facing forward
I suggest a reading of lesson in tightropes
Or surfing your high hopes or adios kansas

Its not very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted

Still theres not a show on my back
Holes or a friendly intervention
Im just a little bit heiress, a little bit irish
A little bit tower of pisa
Whenever I see ya
So please be kind if I’m a mess

-Rufus Wainwright

                      

happy has been discontinued

it’s a little bit different this time…

  

so fucking what anymore.